I think I'm gonna write a book...

So yesterday I was watching Bones on Netflix and had a thought. Maybe... maybe I should write a book.

In the past couple weeks, I have been missing my mother like whoa. I know - I always miss her. But lately, I have been hit with this horrible wave of grief that makes me miss her even more. If only we had had more time together.

As a family who always believed in Heaven, I know that she is up there have a wonderful time. She is pushing for things to go our way for a change and making sure that we are doing alright. That helps with my book idea.

What if each year - for just one day - we got to be together? Can you imagine the adventures of mom and me during out 1 day a year break from all this stupid craziness that is our world today? That would be my book idea.

There is this girl who was coming up on her first birthday after losing her mother. She was distraught over the idea of celebrating the last year of her life which had been hell. I mean how do you celebrate a year where you lost your best friend? The morning of her birthday she wakes up to a glorious smell. She was in shock because we all know her father was only good a cooking two things for breakfast: eggs and meat. But this smell was fantastic - straight out of a bakery. For a second, it reminded her of her mothers homemade cinnamon rolls. But that can't be right - they took so long to make and Mom was gone. But she gathered her strength and went downstairs, not quiet knowing what to expect. As she turned the corner to the kitchen she froze. It couldn't be real. How was her mother standing there in her kitchen baking?! As soon as she realized that she wasn't dream (which required a lot of pinching herself) - she ran forward and engulfed her mother in a big hug. It was like it was 5 years ago - before the cancer and horrible side effects. Her mother was so happy and healthy. At that time, the mother explained to her surprised daughter of the deal - one day. Every year on her birthday they would get one day together to do everything and anything she wanted.

Can you imagine the adventures they would have?!

So... do I have a hit on my mind or WHAT?!

have you prayed about it as much as you talk about it?

It is crazy with the amount of crazy things happening in the world these days. In the last couple weeks, we have seen the Olympics be way safer then we thought it was going too, civil war erupting in Venezuela and Ukraine, anti-LGBTQ legislation throughout the USA and our continuing decision to be involved in affairs throughout the world. Everyone seems to have an opinion on everything, including myself. But I beg to ask the question, mostly to those Christians who truly believe they know what is right and wrong, have you really prayed about the issues as much as you plan on talking about it?

I have done a lot of research about this whole anit-LGBTQ legislation popping up in different states, including Tennessee where I live. Okay - so "anti" might be a little strong but a bill to allow business to refuse the right to serve someone based on sexual orientation? Are we serious right now? Let's be honest - unless they tell you they are getting married - HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? They don't wear a sticker on their forehead. I understand the reasoning behind it - you want to be protected from being sued. I get that you may not support same sex marriages - but who gives you the right to discriminate against someone. Jesus gave services to people who were sinners, who he did not support their lifestyle. Christianity preaches no-judgmental behavior. He encourages you to love thy neighbor.

Therefore, I encourage those of you who choose to hide behind your religion - make sure you are not choosing which versus to follow but embracing the beauty of the entire teachings.

Also, take a chance to send some positive thoughts up for the civil wars across the globe. Peace is a beautiful thing.

Maybe I need to work on me...

It is an unnecessary burden to make negative judgmental assumptions about others. We are all on a journey. ~ Steve Maraboli

Yesterday I made a huge realization. I am very judgmental when it comes to people I love. I know that this is because I want the best for them and I set high expectations for the people that I keep in my life. However, is it truly fair? I feel as if it might be the reason that distance is growing between me and these said people. 

I need to learn to live by the quote above or Mark 5:36 "Just Believe." 

Maybe what I think is stupid or a bad choice makes sense for their life. But how do you let go of that feeling like they are messing up - again?! 

For a while now, mostly since mom got sick, I have been living with this feeling that I had to fix everything. The family is falling apart? No problem, I will fix it. Someone screwed up? No problem, I will fix it. Someone is unhappy? No problem, I got it. But when I moved to Tennessee - it was with the intention that I would be physically far enough away that I couldn't fix it. And I had the realization last year that I shouldn't have to fix it. Right? I mean I am 25 and doing my thing.

But how do I let go of that feeling that things are going wrong? Or more importantly - the judgment of other people's opinions. I don't really have the urge to fix things but just to let that person know that I think they are making a HUGE mistake or judging their character based on those decisions. 

What a daily thought. I will continue to make myself a better person and be nicer to the people I love.

Influenster

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Alpha Sigma Alpha

Razzle Dazzle Delpha. Alpha Sigma Alpha.

Joining a sorority was a hard decision for me. I was miserable at Roanoke College after my first semester and needed to find a way to make it better. Dad and Mom said - get involved. join a club. What amazing advice! I decided to go greek because so many of my friends were doing it too. The moment I walked into Alpha Sigma Alpha's party - I knew I found my home.

Don't get me wrong - it had it's ups and downs throughout my time. But I wouldn't change a thing. It left me so blessed with an amazing organization that continues to change my life. I get to meet beautiful sisters all over the country. I get to mentor and support collegiate sisters in their journey. I get to continue to developed friendships that will last a life time.

I know that when I get married, I will have at least one sorority sister by my side. I will forever be eternally grateful for the gift five fantastic women gave the world in 1901.

Being a member of a sorority is a lifetime commitment. I intend to be a woman of poise and purpose, representing this wonderful sisterhood for a very long time!

Happy Bid's Day Theta Beta Chapter.

it doesn't seem real

Each day, we encounter new challenges. These challenges are meant to make you grow and learn. As the name of the blog says, I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we are blessed to understand why; however, it seems like more often, we continue to be baffled. There will never be an answer to that stupid question. Why? Why now? Why me/them? Why this far?

For example, losing my mother was the hardest time of my life. I had a gut feeling that it was happening. Almost like visions telling me that I would soon be on my own. I struggled and continue to struggle with not having her to call every moment of every day to talk things over with. But shortly after my mother passed away, one of my sorority sisters started suffering from the same pain with her father's diagnosis of cancer. We barely knew each other. She joined ASA my last semester as a sister and we didn't have any immediate reasons to spend lots of time together. However, in some real twist of fate - we became each other's strength. To this day, her strength continues to be an inspiration for me. I spent time thinking and realized - I had to lose my mother to make myself strong enough to build that relationship. To be strong for her when she needed me too. Our parents are currently spending time in Heaven together, watching over us.

This week has been challenging to say the least. I am guilty of taking on the pain of others as my own - not in experiencing their pain, but trying to understand why or how. This week I find myself - how did we get here. I am dealing with learning new things about a person who has been in my life for 4+ years. Someone that I cherished as a friend and one of the ties to my past in Virginia Beach. Things that have been hidden for years that no one should have to deal with alone. I know I won't ever how we got here or why that friend?

So I have decided to take some steps for me. Finding someone to talk to is most important. Counseling does mean you have a problem. It is actually very encouraged in my job. We spend so much time taking care of others, teaching others to process crisis situations, and stepping into situations that cause you to question everything you have ever known - why shouldn't we take some time once a week or month to spend some time on our self?

No one who knows me can say that I haven't some rough situations in the past 4 years. I buried my mother, two friends from college, and my grandmother. I dealt with my family unit falling apart, new homes, and new relationships. Finding a new normal is a constant challenge because nothing still feels normal. I look forward to figuring it all out or coming to terms with not understanding.

It's Christmas Damn It!

With my mother's death being so close to the holiday season - it is completely understandable that Christmas has not been my favorite these last couple years. The entire family dynamic has changed since 2010. For some reason - this year feels different. For the first time in a couple of years, I am totally excited for Christmas. To be honest, I might be the only one who is excited. I set up my Christmas tree before I left to go to VA Beach for Thanksgiving (unheard of! I am totally a Christmas in December kind of person). I actually went out to buy all the Christmas stuff because I didn't have a tree or anything. I tried to convince Dad that he needed to put up his tree -he didn't go for it. PLUS! I have been listening to Christmas music since the Christmas season started (please note - AFTER THANKSGIVING).

But why the "damn it!" after my title? It is because I refuse to let anyone ruin this season for me. As I stated before, the family dynamic is completely changed. I do not have the same relationships with my sisters as I had when I was younger. I am not even sure there is much of a relationship at all. I refuse to let anyone take away from me what should be one of the most joyous times of the year. So I have decided to embrace this season, with or without my family.

So here is my plan - RAs leave on Saturday/Sunday. I am on duty Sunday night - no biggie! I leave for VA Beach on the 22nd. I HAVE to experience Christmas in Nashville before I leave. This includes seeing the lights at Opry Mills, doing some holiday shopping, and maybe catching a Christmas church service somewhere. I mean someone has to be doing the Christmas story right!? Maybe even going to see the Dickens of a Christmas in Franklin this weekend.

When I get home, I will need to finish Christmas shopping - probably with a family friend by my side. Then maybe see the Christmas lights at the Ocean Front. I have never done that before. I knowwwwww - I have lived there for over 15 years and never seen them. Then Dad and I will probably go to a Christmas Eve church service, since Brittany wont be in yet and Amber is kinda anti-church right now.

Then Christmas day will come and we will celebrate! Open a bottle of wine and some presents! I hope Dad doesn't get mad when he sees what we have bought. :}

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!!