It's Christmas Damn It!

With my mother's death being so close to the holiday season - it is completely understandable that Christmas has not been my favorite these last couple years. The entire family dynamic has changed since 2010. For some reason - this year feels different. For the first time in a couple of years, I am totally excited for Christmas. To be honest, I might be the only one who is excited. I set up my Christmas tree before I left to go to VA Beach for Thanksgiving (unheard of! I am totally a Christmas in December kind of person). I actually went out to buy all the Christmas stuff because I didn't have a tree or anything. I tried to convince Dad that he needed to put up his tree -he didn't go for it. PLUS! I have been listening to Christmas music since the Christmas season started (please note - AFTER THANKSGIVING).

But why the "damn it!" after my title? It is because I refuse to let anyone ruin this season for me. As I stated before, the family dynamic is completely changed. I do not have the same relationships with my sisters as I had when I was younger. I am not even sure there is much of a relationship at all. I refuse to let anyone take away from me what should be one of the most joyous times of the year. So I have decided to embrace this season, with or without my family.

So here is my plan - RAs leave on Saturday/Sunday. I am on duty Sunday night - no biggie! I leave for VA Beach on the 22nd. I HAVE to experience Christmas in Nashville before I leave. This includes seeing the lights at Opry Mills, doing some holiday shopping, and maybe catching a Christmas church service somewhere. I mean someone has to be doing the Christmas story right!? Maybe even going to see the Dickens of a Christmas in Franklin this weekend.

When I get home, I will need to finish Christmas shopping - probably with a family friend by my side. Then maybe see the Christmas lights at the Ocean Front. I have never done that before. I knowwwwww - I have lived there for over 15 years and never seen them. Then Dad and I will probably go to a Christmas Eve church service, since Brittany wont be in yet and Amber is kinda anti-church right now.

Then Christmas day will come and we will celebrate! Open a bottle of wine and some presents! I hope Dad doesn't get mad when he sees what we have bought. :}

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!!

what's the rush?

For the last couple weeks, one thing continues to pop up - marriage.

Here is my question - What is the rush?! I am only 25. Don't get me wrong - I think marriage is a wonderful thing. But you are spending the REST of your life with this person (or should be planning on it). You think you know at 20-25 who you are? I have changed so much in who I am and what I want in the last 5 years that it is insane! The people I went to high school went don't know me anymore and I don't know them. Even since graduating from college 3 years ago. We all change so great.

I hope that people can find someone who makes them happy. I hope they have truly met the person they are going to spend the rest of their lives with. I hope it is someone who loves you unconditionally, who is willing to adjust as you change, and grow with you as the bumps and turns along the road shake your mere foundation.

Maybe my issue is that I have always been independent. I am so used to being alone and functioning as just me that it has become okay. Why should I rush to be with someone when in my world, it is okay to just be me? I can do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. Who knows where I am going to be in 5 years or 10 years. I wish people were willing to embrace the fact that we have our whole lives to find that right person.

Time Flies.

We are knocking on November's door which means I have officially been in Tennessee and MTSU 4 months. I have to say - it was a good move for me. I feel less stressed, more important work wise, and just generally happier. I fully understand that nothing is perfect but this was a great decision for me.

The independence I have at my new job is wonderful. I really feel like it is okay to run my building and my staff how I want. I don't have someone constantly breathing down my back making sure that my staff is "following rules" or that we have complete the necessary activities. I know that my supervisors trust me to do work.One time, I asked if I needed to let my boss know I was going to Walmart to go shopping for a program. Her response was "I trust that you are working. Do what you need to do." WHAT?! It was spectacular to feel so trusted.

Granted I miss some things about my old job. I miss having my best friend down the hallway where we can chat when there is nothing to do. I miss RHA - advising a student organization was awesome. My team did wonderful week and I loved watching them grow and develop into a better organization year after year. I miss my RA staff from both years. It is weird to go from having my wonderful RAs constantly around to not at all. I want a starbucks trip with Danielle, Abby and Kendall. I want dinner with Deion, Hannah, JJ and Tiff. I want a movie night with Danielle. I want to see Zach fall of the stage (I couldn't resist). I want to have Jackie or Zach Pierce say something or do something that I absolutely don't understand. I want to have girl talk with Rachel, Alex, Casey, Ashley and Danielle. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely adore my new RAs, RDs and DAs. But they don't replace that wonderful place in my heart that my BC RAs had.I think that is the hardest part - being so far away from people who you have grown to care about.

But in the end, I am much happier as a person now. The people you work for and with make a complete difference in happiness. More importantly, being in an area where there are things to do is awesome! I can go out, meet none work people, and becoming involved in the area - without worrying about running into students on a regular basis. And if I do run into students, I most likely have no idea who they are.

I think I could get used to living out here. Definitely off to a nice start.

helping others

I love my job. I love working in Higher Education and I love helping people.But nothing frustrates me more than when I am trying to help others and they won't help themselves. For example, I spent so much time last week scheduling individual meetings with students. I just want to chat with them to make sure they are adjusted in the two most important ways: academically (I looked up grades) and socially. Yet, as I sit in my office and wait - I just continue to wait. No show after no show.

This relates to so much that we do in life. How many times to we hear people say you can't help someone who wont help themselves? It is in everything we do in life. We continue to question these relationships we form with people over the years and yet, we let the simplest things people do frustrate us.

This week I am continuing to work on letting go. It is so hard for me to want to care so much about other people - there are many times I have to remind myself that I don't have all the answers. I absolutely  have some strong opinions, but that doesn't mean I know what is best for someone else. Most the times, I don't even know what is best for me.

Throughout the last couple months - there seems to be so many articles relating to 20 somethings. What we should do, what we shouldn't do, why we are awesome, why we aren't so awesome. Yesterday I even read an article about how people were talking about pushing the level of "adulthood" back to 25 instead of 18ish. As wonderful as it is to read these articles, I just keep thinking that I am so different from these people who write these articles. I have had different life experiences and have dealt with those experiences different from people who have been through the same thing. Reading advice articles can be fantastic but in the end, we have to remember that we stand on our own two feet and that is all that matters.

Being independent has never been a struggle for me. I actually really enjoy the freedom that comes with it. Being a 20 something makes since in my world.

relationships

I consider myself a very independent person. I have been since I was very little. However, I am also very dedicated to the people who mean the most to me - mainly my family with a handful of close friends. Being from a military family, Dad always said your sisters are your best friends. It has become clear over the years why he pushed that so much. I mean really - how many "friends" do I have from my different homes? I can think of 1 from TN, 2ish from VA Beach (school wise), 1 from Colorado, and Bridgewater is still TBD. Even college left me with only a handful of people I would consider good friends. 

When my mom got sick - I pulled away. Being in Colorado made it hard - I turned to exercising and exploring with Kristen. But the moment I got home, it was all about mom. It was about what I could do for the family. It didn't matter that I didn't have time to run regularly or work. All I focused on is whether or not Dad & Amber could work, whether Dad was taking care of himself, making sure Mom was never alone.

After Mom left, it seems that I still couldn't get rid of that. I continued to take care of Dad or Amber. I constantly checking on other people and communicating to the rest of the family about the state of things. I even dropped everything at least once for Brittany and Amber to "save the day."

There was a breaking point my last summer at Bridgewater where I realized, I don't have to be the one who holds it all together. If they don't want to talk to each other or include everyone in their lives, why should I stress about it? It was a hard decision to make. Generally, I make it a rule in my life not to stress over people who don't make me important in their life. Why should my family be any different? 

So I decided to move away again. It was a hard decision. I worried that something might happen to Dad and I was going to be too far away (again). There would be no more weekend trips to Virginia Beach just because. However, when I interview at MTSU, I knew it was meant to be. And I love it out here!

However, we have a new turn of events in my family, as we always do. Here I am thinking, well that's it. I don't know why I sit here and continue to think that things would go back to normal. My family would care about each other, try to make each other part of their daily lives, and enjoy our time together. So from here I figure out how to move forward. How to readjust everything I believe about family. 

reminiscing

This weekend was wonderful! I had a beautiful time with one of my favorite people exploring Nashville. We saw more things this weekend then I had since I moved here in July. I may even have found my new favorite spot - The Hermitage.

However, the weekend had to come to an end. Last night, we spent the night catching up on our favorite shows (Once Upon a Time and Real Housewives). As I laid in my bed last night, I couldn't get my mind of her - my mother. Words can never express how much I miss her everyday. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss her advice and general conversations. I miss riding in the car and holding her hand. I miss playing who can ignore more people at the mall (she always lost because everyone loved her).

This weekend, I went to a lovely little boutique where I bought a piece of jewelry. It is totally 100% me! But everything that was sold in the store was made there. When I paid for my new necklace, I got to look in the back of the store. WALLS of jewelry stuff. Mom would have loved it! I wish she could have been there to see it.

I know she is always there, but it just isn't the same.

Greek Life Rant!

"You are a member of a strong sorority, one that ranks with the best in the country. Live it, talk it, dream it, work for it. In no other way can you so effectively convince others of its beauty, its greatness and its power."The Phoenix, 1916

This lovely phrase has been something that has been repeated my members of my sorority Alpha Sigma Alpha since it was published in 1916 in our national magazine. I really need to remember this phrase today!All across the US, sororities are going to recruitment. It is one of the best times of the year for sorority women. We get to show off everything we are and aren't. We get to welcome precious new members into our eternal bonds and show them exactly what it means to be part of a sisterhood that stands for so much more than the stereotypes we fight everyday. I know Greek Life is not perfect. The reason those stereotypes are there are because somewhere at some point they were probably true. Nonetheless, I stand by the fact that going Greek and joining Alpha Sigma Alpha was the best decision I made in college. It granted me beautiful sisters that have been there through my hardest moments in life and ones that will stand beside me when I get married one day. I allowed me to have a greater appreciation for myself and everything I am capable of. And lastly, it has allowed me to become the proud and strong woman I am today - filled with poise and purpose, determined to make my life and the life of those around me better.

With that being said - it really frustrates me when people openly mock Greek Life in pure ignorance. I am the first person to say that it is not for everyone. It needs to be a personal decision that a person makes. ALSO, I am willing to say that you probably will never fully understand why people participate or what it is like unless you join it. I have plenty of people in my life that fall into those two categories. It is probably not for them and they don't fully understand it. However, please don't openly make fun of Greek Life. I dedicated 3.5 years of my life in undergrad to being a sorority woman and have actively participated in the alumna way of life since leaving my chapter. When you take pictures with a sign that says "I am a sorority woman" and make stupid poses - I am deeply offended. 

People in your life are supposed to care about you  and embrace who you are. You want to have a conversation about Greek Life? OKAY! I am open to that. I will help you understand why it is so important to me. If we have already had that conversation and you still decide to be ignorant - then I am pissed. I expect more of the people who I choose to let into my life. I have been dealing with ignorant people since I was born. But I will not tolerate it from people who are supposed to be better than that!

Needless to say, my opinion of someone plummeted today.

Sorry for my rant at 9 AM but I had to get it out.

a change in mental attitude

I have loved the Biggest Loser since it has started. It was one of those few shows that my mother and I always enjoyed together. Since she has been gone, this hasn't changed. (SO EXCITED FOR THE PREMIERE).

However, even with my love for the show, I still had a lot to learn.

The famous Jillian Michaels is quoted as saying "You can look for external sources of motivation and that can catalyze a change, but it won't sustain one. It has to be from an internal desire." BRILLIANT RIGHT?

The other day I was running and had a revelation. JILLIAN MICHAELS IS RIGHT! I want to be health - but this time, I want to do it for me. No matter how many times I wake up in the morning and say "man she is pretty - I wish I looked like that" or "if she can do it, so can I" - unless I put my mind to it, it won't happen. And the fact is that all those "shes" who did it, only did it because THEY wanted to. Not to compete with someone else. Why do we all spend so much of our time basing what we decide on what other people are doing or will think.

decisions decisions decisions

One of my besties put this on Facebook just a few minutes ago: "Even as an adult letting go and moving on are the hardest and most humbling of decisions to make, but it can be done. The last year has brought so many decisions to the table for me, some very big and some small, some involving just me and some not. Although the decision making is far from being done in this season of my life one thing I know for sure is that in the end the decisions truly don't belong to me. The path and the people on the journey are already set for me and my eyes have been opened to both the good and the bad. I will pray for the ones that can longer endure the ride and embrace and hold on tight to the ones who can."


This woman is such an inspiration  I hope one day, I am a wonderful mother like her. Everything she does is about her children and what is best for the family. Plus she is beautiful, successful and absolutely fabulous.

On another topic - this statement above is so true. Having made some crazy decisions in the last couple years, I still truly believe that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason I am in TN and it is going to serve a greater purpose in my life. Even when things haven't been fully worked out, it is inspiring to know that I will make it through and come out a better me. People always talk about becoming better versions of yourself and having a positive effect on the people around you - but unless one makes a real effort, a genuine effort, the outcome will never be as truly good as it could have been. 

I strive to continue to make each day a great one. I know that my success in TN is 100% based on me. If I want new friends in my life, I need to go meet them. If I am bored everyday after work, I need to do something about it. If I want a creative or spiritual outlet, it is on me to find it! Here is to making TN a great move for me - above all else.

Holidays

It is always interesting how the tiny things changing can have a huge effect on oneself. I mean LIFE changing.

Learning has always been an passion of mine. Just this weekend, I drove back up to White House to seem my old house from when I was little. A lot has changed in that town. However, I was gitty when I drove around and saw the old library - still located next to the athletic fields. I spent so much time in that library while the rest of the family was out enjoying softball. I never considered certain career fields. But with everything my family and I have been through, I am so excited to start considering being a counselor with a specialization in grief counseling. I am still working through everything I am going through, so why not continue that growth by helping others as well. The downside to this - I didn't take any of the pre-reqs in undergrad. So before I can apply, I need to complete statistics, abnormal psychology, and general psychology. Then I have to find a program and take the GRE.

But that is in the future. The big thing laying on my mind is the upcoming holidays. I know that we just entered September but when you live 11.5 hours away from home, it is important to start thinking about these things early. It is already decided that I am spending Christmas in VA Beach (or Harrisonburg). But what about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a hard time for my family. This year will be the 3rd anniversary of my mother's death. They say that is gets easier - but lets be honest. It doesn't! The decision becomes is it worth the money though. Everyone has different opinions.

My opinion = it is only worth it if I get to spend time with my family. That seems to be the issue though. Brittany has to work the day before/after so she isn't planning on coming home. Amber said she has to work too - but I would get to see her on Thanksgiving day. Dad doesn't have to work - BUT Bonnie wants to do something not in St. Louis. One thing I don't want to do - spend my entire holiday with my father and his girlfriend.

I don't think people sometimes understand the importance of holidays. The whole point is to spend time with the people you love. With my mom gone, it seems my family chooses to not "celebrate" because it is not the same. I get this. I miss her each day - it is a bottomless sadness. It is crazy to think that I don't have that nuclear family to return too.

How is July almost gone?!

Let me be the first to say it - where the hell has July gone?! I feel like I have just moved to Murfreesboro - granted, I am going through HUGE Bridgewater withdrawal. Let me clarify - I am missing my BC family! Things aren't the same without seeing Jamie and family ever week - or lunch dates with James/Zach/Danielle/Abby. It is going to be so different without them by my side every day. I know I will find some new loves at MTSU but they won't replace them.

We have been spending all month doing AC training. Today was long! We did our official campus tour and then started talking about job expectations. I know this is a good move for me but I am starting to feel like it will be the same old shit.

HOWEVER - LDI last weekend was epic! I was so happy to get to get back into Alpha Sigma Alpha. Every time our wonderful facilitator said "you are a member of a strong sorority" I wanted to yell: HELL YEAH I AM! She was so epic and she was a sister!! She works for The Leadership Institute. Her WHOLE job is going around and teaching women how to be powerful leaders. What a wonderful job! She got to write the curriculum for our whole weekend. What a wonderful inspiration. I kept thinking about how much fun I had and how much I would love her job. I know I still have a lot of growth to do - but I think it will be important to keep moving in that direction. Who knows - maybe the next step after MTSU is a leadership/involvement office at some college. I have already made some connections with Greek Life to hopefully be involved that way.

I am just trying to keep a positive attitude and really make this adventure about me. I have been walking everywhere (SO GLAD I WENT TO A SMALL SCHOOL - THIS PLACE IS HUGE) and going for a nice run when I can. I am determined to have this be all about me. Now I just need to get out there and make some friends!

And Happy Mandela Day!

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 
 
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Being in a new city is both exciting and frightening. I have had a lot of time over the last two weeks to really continue to reflect on myself and my life in general. A lot of the times, these types of reflections are not always positive. I have realized some very new things. I am working hard to continue to make myself a better person but it is hard when you do not feel that constant support around you. My family has always been very important to me - however, as I move forward in this new journey, I am prepared to do it on my own.

Today at MTSU (Middle Tennessee State University for those who havent figured it out), we starting working on Streghts Quest. Two of my themes are connectedness and responsibility. These both speak so much to who I am and becoming.  For so long, I have spent so much time thinking about how everything I do impacts my family. However, I fail to realize how much I have allowed them to effect me. For the longest time, my friends have been telling that it is not my job to hold everything together. So why has it taken so long for me to realize this on my own? When am I going to stop worrying about how Brittany/Amber/Dad will feel about my decisions and start doing it for me?

Another realization I made this morning (AND IT WAS SCARY) was that I am already missing that excitement that comes with working. Shouldn't I want to wake up each day and be excited to go to work? I mean - IT IS ONLY DAY 2 OF MY NEW JOB?! It is scary to think I may be over Residence Life at age 25. I have dedicated so much time, 6 YEARS, to do this and make it my career. It was irronic that today we talked about finding the positive in a bad day at work. I need to give it time. Maybe I am going through separation feelings - I mean, I don't know anyone here, I don't have internet in my apartment, and my cell service sucks down there (in the apartment). I am alone majority of the time. 

I will make it - I have to make it. I am going to keep trucking along and give Murfeesboro a chance. I am sure it will be a wonderful experience for me. 

CS Lewis

So I LOVE CS Lewis. For some reason his stuff just sticks with me. I saw a new quote today that I had to share.

"Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny" - C.S. Lewis

Not only only have I had hardships but this week has well... sucked. I have spent most of the week attempting to pull my RAs out of their rut. But in reality, it just sucks the joy out of me. I truly believe that the most important part of my job is working with my RAs but I really hate to hand hold people.

Which brings me to my mother. My mother was all about the underdog. She loved to help people become better. It was one of her best and worst qualities. Mostly because some times she got used. It hurt to watch my mom give her everything to someone and then they treat her like shit. For example, there was this one girl that my mom had in her Girl Scout troop - they eventually started a new troop together. My mom ran that shit! The moment mom got sick, the girl dipped out. Needless to sayyyyy, I am not a fan. 

I think in a way, all of us inherited this to a point... some of us worse then other. But today I just don't have it in me. I think it is an early to bed night.... plus Orientation is tomorrow so I need to be in my best mood (or best faking it mood). :]

Peace, love and goood night!

It's HOOOOOOOTT in Topeka

Isn't it crazy how the simplest things bring back the best memories. Here is one good one.

Have you ever seen Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends? It use to be on Cartoon Network. If not, you should! Mom and I used to watch it together - and not when I was little. Well, they just added it to Netflix! We had a favorite episode. Here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_1Oh-uWa3c

In this episode, Bloo (the main character) ends up home alone. This is something that has never happened. So Bloo takes the time to enjoy himself... but then he gets bored. So he decides to watch TV. That is where this scene is. Bloo is so bored he begins to repeat "It's hot in Topeka" over and over again. 

After watching this, Mom and I started repeating it over and over again just like in the scene. When I was moving to Colorado and we got close to Topeka, I actual called Mom and told her it was HOT in TO-PEEEE-KA. Dad thought we were so annoying but he dealt. 

I miss the good times. At least this is a happy memory! 

BUT SERIOUSLY - watch the link!

Happy Easter!

With today being Easter and with all the stuff going on in the world, it is only fair to reflect on religion today. First, how exciting it is to live in today age. We have so much going on. With the new Pope, Pope Francis is on a mission to change the Catholic Church. Just today, he spoke on world peace. He has shown a passion for the poor and less fortunate. Now, I am not Catholic but I love the positive imagine he is portraying to the world. On top of this, the Supreme Court is now dealing with the issue of marriage equality. No matter how that turns out, it is all about religion. 

I began the day watching the History Channel and their mini series The Bible, until the cable went out. As I was on facebook, all I saw were comments about Easter. Then Dad called. He is in Missouri and he proceeded to tell me how Easter is just another day in the Straube household. Couldn't but thinking - but why? Why is it just another day? We used to celebrate just like everyone else. Even if we don't attend a church service, isn't Easter one of those holidays were people spend time with their family? So how come this holiday that is supposed to mean so much - be it the religious side where Christ has risen or a day to come together and enjoy each other's company - turn into a day where it means nothing?

Last time I was in Virginia Beach, I watched this home video. I was maybe 2 and it was Easter Day. Mom and Dad had spent the night hiding Easter eggs. I was a hoarder! I keep picking up different eggs. I didn't want to put any of them down. You see me on the video holding 4 eggs... and I keep trying to pick up more. Plus I would run right past the obvious ones to pick up the most obscurely located ones. It was such a happy time. Plus, Dad was home which made it special in of itself. We have all these pictures of us in our Easter best. It used to be so special.

So I sit here alone and think "man. I would love to spend the day with my whole family. These people don't realize just how lucky they are." But let's be honest. No holiday is the same anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it is just me. How come I have this overwhelming desire to be with my family and to spend holidays in the traditional ways? How come is seems like no one else in my family feels the same way? It is so lonely. I mean can you imagine being in a room filled with people that you want nothing more in the world at that moment to just all be together and you feel like you are the only one who feels that way? It is almost worst then being alone. 

So hopefully my cable is back on by 8 PM so I can watch the conclusion of The Bible (it has been out for 4 hours now). If not, I have a big movie collection and I will enjoy my quiet night. 

John 11:25-26 
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.

HAPPY EASTER Everyone!

finally dealing with it?

This week has been one for the record books. Nothing as bad as those last couple weeks in November in 2010, but still a doozy. Watching someone else lose a parent, knowing their suffering, and still trying to deal with your own makes things really complicated. As I prayed and sent positive thoughts to the Hollaways, I felt selfish  Out of everything they were going through, all I could think about was my mom and my troubles. The waves of grief wrapped me up and spit me back out with no remorse. So many mornings, I laid in bed crying trying to pull myself together in order to go to work. How can I watch someone else lose their parent? How can I possibly offer support and comfort for someone else?

It was very clear. I was able to offer that love and support because it is all I have ever done. I have never actually dealt with my own grief of losing my mother. Of course I am aware of this. Last time I was home, we were dealing with family emotions (per usual) and Amber asked me "how do you deal with losing mom? how do you handle your grief?" I gave her one very short answer: "I don't."

It doesn't seem to make sense. Here I am 2.5 years out from dealing with those HORRIBLE 3 months of my life. I have changed so much since then. But has it all been for the better? When I was in college and my first couple months in Colorado, I was so carefree and ready to live. Now, I am on the edge of turning 25 and what have I accomplished? Yes, I have a Masters degree and a successful career. But what else? I don't have many friends that I fully trust and love. I don't have an active social life. I have gained weight since the incident. And my family is not what it used to be and probably will never be that close again.

Which brings me to tonight. I am sitting alone in my apartment watching a movie, the students are gone and I start to think. Why don't I just deal with this. OK... to be completely honest, I am watching the movie The Words which is about a man who is a writer and finds this manuscript and tries to pass it off as his own. I thought - maybe that's what I need to do. Not steal someone else's work, but put my thoughts into words. If I put it out there, then I can't take it back. I can use my "blog" which I haven't touched since January to process all these thoughts and feelings that are going through my head. (by the way, I am still working out and have been eating soooo much better!)

With that being said, I am just going to say it. I MISS MY MOTHER. I miss her every day, every minute, every second. She is the person I long to talk to. I want to tell her everything about everything. Not having a best friend close is hard enough. I know I can call up those lovely people in my life whenever I want and they will listen like nothing has changed. But it isnt the same. I just want to hear her voice. I want her to tell me everything is going to be okay. I want to hear her excited, happy, sad, tense - I want to hear it all. My mother was my best friend. She will never be replaced in that role.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am so grateful for my father. Papi has stepped into this whole new role for me. We joke that if it was not for my mother, we would not be friends - but it is true. Dad and I always butted heads. There got to be a point where I would do the opposite of what he said, just because I could. Now, he is my constant. I know I can call him and he is willing to offer an ear (well... almost always. we will deal with that later). He has become that person that I need and know that he will always be there.

Since mom has left, nothing has been the same. My idea of normal continues to change. At home, my normal was always work and hang out with mom. When she got sick and I was home, normal was to be her everything. If she needed me in the hospital, I was there. If she needed me to take her to an appointment, get her food, let her sleep... whatever. I didn't care if I never ate or slept - it was all about her. When I was in Colorado, my normal revolved around my contact with her. I always called after my dinner and before hers. She got a post card once a week. I had to make sure I went to cool place to send her good post cards - I needed her to know that I was okay. But even then - I had nightmares that I would lose her. That I would get that damn phone call and she wouldn't be there anymore. Dad and I fought about me coming home; he didn't understand and that's okay. We got through it. After she left, normal was taking care of Dad. We used to say "well... its just us now" and "we will get through this together - you and me."

I had to be strong. I remembering crying hard 3 times through the whole process. There were always those sad movies or those crazy moments where I was worried. But only 3 times did I really lose control. First was when we found out it was stage 4 cancer - not when she got diagnosed - only when I knew how bad it really was, but only after I was done talking to Mom and Dad. They couldn't know just how broken I was inside. Second was when I came home from Colorado - right after she got diagnosed with stomach cancer. I knew at that time I was not strong enough to bury my mother. The only person who witnessed that one was Amber and it was only because I woke her up. Third was the day she went into ICU. The day I knew she wasn't going to make it. Even then, I ran outside of the hospital and dealt with it by myself. I have always been so worried about making things easier for someone else. When do things get to be easier for me?

Last summer I had this moment of clarity. I don't have to be the one to hold it all together. If everything is going to fall apart - so be it. Why should I be the one who has to hold the family together when I am barely holding myself together. If people don't want to talk, want to act like they don't care, it is not my job to fix it. And that is where we stand today. I am not going to "be strong" for everyone else. This is the year of Catie after all. I need to take care of myself and deal with all this emotion, anger, resentment, love, and pain that I feel all the time. I plan on letting go of the physical and emotional weight. And it begins with this.

really 2013? really?

What a week! I think I chose the hardest week ever to start this up. Here is what is up:

1. I am on duty. Meaning my phone hasn't stopped ringing and people keep knocking on my door.
2. PINK EYE! Thats right - I got pink eye. Good news is that the doctor said it should be gone by Tuesday so I can still get LASIK.
3. No hot water. This building sucks! I have had no hot water all weekend. Finally today, I borrowed Brittany's shower. I get cranky without hot water.
4. Found out I am not pregnant. OK... so I already knew that but my monthly reminder came anyways. I think there should be some rule that it only comes when you need to know if you are having a baby or not? Let's start a petition.

But thats all okay! I am going to keep going. It just shows my dedication. Tonight started the new season of the Biggest Loser. I am looking forward to having my shows back on (I like to ride my indoor bike during the show). So Sunday will be Once Upon A Time, Mondays will be Biggest Loser, and the rest of the week is Dawson's Creek because why not!

I downloaded a couple of apps for my phone, plus bought a groupon for FitRadio for a year! Hopefully tomorrow I will restart my Couch to 5K running. Brittany's treadmill is going to be my new best friend!!

Every night I get to look at my weight countdown on my bathroom door to remind me why I am doing this. Time to be about me - if only my residents could get the memo.

<3 Catie

This is for me!

Okay people. So for the longest time I have been puting other people first - my friends, my family and my work. This year is the year of CATIE! Some people (like Sophie) I am sure are saying "its about damn time." My goal for this year is to get fit and becoming someone I love to be. I know that is what everyone says, but I am going to do it! And the main point of the blog is to keep myself on track. I want you to help me be accountable! So tomorrow starts day one (mostly because I have been sick since New Years Eve and finally feeling better).

I have bought FIT Radio on my phone, added some new touches to my apartment (thanks to pinterest) and I am ready to go! Plus the new me gets LASIX surgery next week. I am so ready for the new me!

So here we go! Jump on cause its going to be a good ride!