it doesn't seem real

Each day, we encounter new challenges. These challenges are meant to make you grow and learn. As the name of the blog says, I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we are blessed to understand why; however, it seems like more often, we continue to be baffled. There will never be an answer to that stupid question. Why? Why now? Why me/them? Why this far?

For example, losing my mother was the hardest time of my life. I had a gut feeling that it was happening. Almost like visions telling me that I would soon be on my own. I struggled and continue to struggle with not having her to call every moment of every day to talk things over with. But shortly after my mother passed away, one of my sorority sisters started suffering from the same pain with her father's diagnosis of cancer. We barely knew each other. She joined ASA my last semester as a sister and we didn't have any immediate reasons to spend lots of time together. However, in some real twist of fate - we became each other's strength. To this day, her strength continues to be an inspiration for me. I spent time thinking and realized - I had to lose my mother to make myself strong enough to build that relationship. To be strong for her when she needed me too. Our parents are currently spending time in Heaven together, watching over us.

This week has been challenging to say the least. I am guilty of taking on the pain of others as my own - not in experiencing their pain, but trying to understand why or how. This week I find myself - how did we get here. I am dealing with learning new things about a person who has been in my life for 4+ years. Someone that I cherished as a friend and one of the ties to my past in Virginia Beach. Things that have been hidden for years that no one should have to deal with alone. I know I won't ever how we got here or why that friend?

So I have decided to take some steps for me. Finding someone to talk to is most important. Counseling does mean you have a problem. It is actually very encouraged in my job. We spend so much time taking care of others, teaching others to process crisis situations, and stepping into situations that cause you to question everything you have ever known - why shouldn't we take some time once a week or month to spend some time on our self?

No one who knows me can say that I haven't some rough situations in the past 4 years. I buried my mother, two friends from college, and my grandmother. I dealt with my family unit falling apart, new homes, and new relationships. Finding a new normal is a constant challenge because nothing still feels normal. I look forward to figuring it all out or coming to terms with not understanding.